Read this if you are struggling after your mastectomy

After my breakup I felt completely broken.

Even though I was the one who ended the relationship, I walked away feeling like I was damaged, broken and undesirable.

I think going through a major surgery with a partner can be a beautiful experience. One that brings you closer together - and in many ways, it did bring my ex and I closer together. But in many ways it also changed our sexual relationship and pushed us apart. In a way it kinda made us feel more like friends and less like lovers.

I don’t think either of us knew how to navigate intimacy with my new body and so it became something we rarely talked about. The more our sex life changed, the more I started to feel uncomfortable and insecure in my body. I never once thought it was a HIM thing, I always thought it was a ME thing. I didn’t think, maybe he just isn’t as sexual as we were when we were younger. I just assumed he was no longer sexually attracted to me.

Looking back, I understand that my ex didn’t mean to make me feel like this and I wish I had been more open about the way his lack of physical touch with my foobs made me feel. Let me be clear, in no way am I blaming him for our breakup, and to this day I honestly only have love for my ex . I truly don’t blame him for our relationship struggles and I don’t blame him for my insecurities - it is neither of our faults that sex after mastectomy can be weird af!

I realized that I wanted and needed more for myself and found the courage to end a 4 year relationship. It was really hard and scary and liberating and empowering and pretty much all the feels. We shared a home and a dog together and he truly was my best friend - so it was heartbreaking in so many ways. But I knew it was right and I knew that I was no longer “whole” I needed to find myself and learn how to love myself again.

I spent a few months being “intentionally single” and used that time for myself. I wanted to fall in love with myself and my body. I bought my first adult sex toy so I could reconnect with my inner sex goddess. I journaled. I exercised daily. I meditated. I did some soul searching. (helpful guide on how to get through a breakup here)

But when I finally felt like I was ready to start dating, I still felt very insecure about my body. I didn’t feel like my Foobs were desirable. I didn’t feel like I was desirable. I felt very damaged and unsure and couldn’t help but think... why would anyone want ME??

I created this narrative in my head and turned my surgery into this HUGE deal as if it would be a major deterrent or deal breaker to men.

I will never forget when I met the man I am currently dating. After a few dates and realizing we would be exclusively dating, he explained this to me and it honestly changed my life.

He said:

“Paige, I know that your surgery was incredibly difficult for many reasons and has changed you in so many ways. I am proud of you and I completely respect and honor all that you’ve been through.

But I’d like to point out that I think there are two different aspects to all of this... the physical and the emotional.

As an outsider who wasn’t with you throughout your surgery and who has come into the picture years later, I see the physical and emotional as two totally separate things.

You may not feel emotionally healed or you may feel “different” because of your experience and I understand that and respect that.

But physically I don’t see you as any “different.” To me you are a beautiful woman with an incredible body that I find perfect and sexy. When I look at you I don’t think about your surgery at all. I just see, YOU.” This was a life changing conversation for me.

It opened my eyes and made me realize that the emotional toll of our experiences may stay with us for weeks, months, years or even the rest of our lives and that varies person to person. But I’ve physically healed and I am healthy. I had created this narrative in my head that my experience would be this massive turn off or deterrent, when that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Thinking of my BRCA genetic mutation and my surgery as two separate things has really helped me learn how to love my body again, to know my worth, to feel desirable and to process the separateness of it all. I’ve now slowly learned how to truly love myself and be proud of my body. To feel confident with who I am and how I look.

I hope this can help you, too.