JUNE

I truly never thought I would be writing this.

It still doesn’t seem real.

Justin and I are on a break. I know how silly that sounds, do grown ass adults even go on breaks? Is this even a real thing? Or just something they talk about on FRIENDS?!

Well for us, it is.  

Justin and I have been together for almost four years, and it has been by far the best and longest relationship of my life – and that is actually saying a lot actually as I have always been a serial monogamist. He has been my rock, my care taker, and even my roommate. My first BOY roommate!! That’s a big deal people.

It's been an amazing four years which is why writing this is so surreal.

Where did we go wrong? How did this happen?

We did everything “right.”

From quarterly check-in’s, going on adventures to keep the love alive, and always putting each other first. We always spoke to each other with kindness, openly communicated our wants and needs, made the other feel loved and special, and never cheated or wavered in our commitment to each other.

How can we have done all of these things and still not be able to make it work?

Love is confusing, life is confusing, and it all doesn’t always make sense.

I think over the past few years we have both changed so much.

I remember a few months ago giving Justin an out.

“You really don’t have to do this anymore. I know this isn’t the life you signed up for.”

When we first started dating I had a stable career, I was a typical 20 year old who was really social and our biggest concern seemed to be where we were going to get brunch on Sunday and which group of friends we were going to hang out with. oh and I also had all of my original body parts...

Fast forward to today, a lot has changed. I have left my career in television to become the founder of a nonprofit and run my own business. Let me tell you, being an entrepreneur is far from stable. I rarely go out anymore and between planning retreats, events, camp and traveling all the time for work, my social circle has definitely shrunk. I honestly don’t really have time for brunch. I am constantly working or traveling. Oh and I have fake boobs aka Foobs that have noo sensation and two large scars because I underwent a preventative double mastectomy in January of 2017..

Anyways… back to the break…

I think all of these things definitely added up and got us to this place. I think a lot of people like to point fingers or blame one person when things get rocky in a relationship and for us that’s not really the case. And I think if we are being completely honest with ourselves, we could have seen this coming. Don’t get me wrong, we both have certain personality traits that match up and that helped us create this beautiful bond. But we both also have some other qualities that aren’t quite as in sync.

 For example, we celebrate life differently. I love to go out and try new restaurants, read books, explore, and I am constantly trying to learn and evolve. It energizes me after a long work day to grab drinks or see a show! Justin is a bit different. Sometimes he likes to do those things, but more often than not he would prefer a night in watching Netflix on the couch and cooking a yummy meal. I am constantly trying to think of the next big step forward and Justin is happy and comfortable keeping things as they are. Neither is right or wrong, they are just different and it kept us balanced for a long time. We would always say this quote was perfect for us, “you keep me wild, I’ll keep you safe.”

Another major challenge has been navigating life after my mastectomy. I think any time one person in a relationship goes through a major life change, it can obviously be challenging for the relationship. Overnight I was a radically different person and we are doing our best to navigate this new normal together. Justin was a huge proponent in me sharing my story and he cheered me on and encouraged me every single day. He really has been by biggest and best cheerleader. When I decided to have the surgery, he was extremely supportive. When I wanted to quit my job, he was fully supportive. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner or person to have by my side.

But since my mastectomy, our sex life had changed A LOT and I feel like we’ve gone from being lovers to being more like best friends. I can’t believe I am writing about this but I have kinda dedicated my life to being really open and transparent sooo here we are. It’s confusing because we are still very loving and intimate, for example we still kiss, we still hold hands and cuddle every night, so I don’t think either of us really recognized the shift that has been happening.

Let me back it up a minute…When we first met, Justin was still in school and working part time. We had similar schedules because I was working in TV and my day typically started around 3 pm. So we would spend the mornings together; going to the gym, having sex, and making brunch. It was better for us than having nights together and it was probably the happiest we have ever been in our relationship.

But when Justin started his career in sales around the same time that I underwent my double mastectomy, both seemed to be pretty detrimental to our once very active sex life.

He was suddenly under a lot more stress than he was used to, I was traveling all the time for events and campaigns, and we both were unsure how to navigate my new body. This was a pretty bad combination for us. We have tried our best to communicate and work through these feelings, but we’ve been struggling and often times we go weeks without being intimate.

That totally works for some people – it’s worked for him – but I am a sexual person and our dwindling sex life has been really hard on me. Even though he’s explained that he is stressed or tired and that his lack of sex drive isn’t about me, it feels very personal.

I have gone down this really dark rabbit hole of convincing myself that I am no longer desirable and I am not good enough, and that it’s because of my mastectomy, which has led to me feeling like overall I am not enough. I feel damaged and I have started to hate myself and hate my body. I have even convinced myself that no one else would even want to date me after everything I've been through and I just feel really broken. I have become extremely insecure and it has really started to affect my mental health.

I still really love Justin so this has been breaking my heart to feel like this. It's all just really confusing, to feel so much love for someone but to know in your heart it's not really working or making either of us better at this current moment.

I truly believe that your partner shouldn’t complete you, they should make an already complete you even better. I have always loved this quote, “In order for two halves to make a whole, the two halves have to be whole within themselves first” I've just realized over the past few weeks that I no longer feel whole and I need to find that for myself. I don’t want to rely on another person to validate me or make me feel like I am enough. I need to be able to do that for myself. I need to believe in myself. I need to love myself. In fact, I need to love myself so much that someone else’s feelings about me do not cause my love for myself to waiver.

After a few really hard conversations we have decided to take a month long break this summer. It seems like a good time for us to take this break since I am about to be in California for two months working on The Breasties back-to-back summer retreats and Justin is staying in New York. We would be apart anyways so a physical break is happening regardless. 

We had already planned on Justin coming out to California for the 4th of July so we decided to enjoy the weekend together and once he leaves we will officially start the break… and more importantly… I will start this quest for self love.