Where is the line between being grateful and being unhappy?

For over a year I’ve struggled to put words to my feelings about my foobs. I’m constantly torn between being thankful that I was able to have a preventative mastectomy and not face cancer like so many of my family members, friends and Breasties have had to face. That feeling of gratitude has me feeling completely unbalanced. I feel guilty for not loving what has replaced my breasts. I appreciate them. I’m thankful for them. But in all honestly - I’m insecure about them. The ridges, the areas I’m concave, how unnatural they look and feel to me. But any time I critique them, I feel a wave of guilt and disappointment. How dare I not just accept them? I didn’t have cancer. I didn’t have to fight. I should just be thankful to be here and to have foobs at all.

Yet there are options.

Things I can do to change or improve them. I can look into fat grafting. I can look into having them placed over the muscle instead of under it. I do have options. But all of these options lead to more surgeries. Do I really want to put my body through that?

I have really been struggling to figure out if I want to have a revision surgery so I have been really dissecting my feelings with my therapist (love ya Dr. Wayne 🙋🏼‍♀️)

Here are my thoughts:

Reasons I want to have a revision:
-I’m unhappy with my reconstruction physically and aesthetically
-my foobs are so far into my armpits it’s difficult for me to do certain day-to-day things and exercises
-I feel insecure about my foobs and I often try to cover them up or wear clothing that hides the results
-I love my body and respect my mental health enough to make changes to help me find inner peace
-clothing doesn’t fit me properly and I struggle to find tops and dresses that are comfortable
-I can physically see and feel them sliding farther and farther apart which causes me pain during certain activities and when I sleep
-wanting to feel whole or beautiful is not something we should punish ourselves for
-it’s hard for me to look at myself in the mirror
-the way my foobs are placed causes my back to hunch forward and causes me pain
-I struggle to feel comfortable with my body and I struggle to view my breasts as sexual which holds me back when it comes to intimacy.

Reasons I don’t want to have a revision:
-I am grateful to be a previvor and understand not everyone has had the same opportunities I have had
-I don’t want to put my mind, body or soul through another surgery
-what if I’m still unhappy after this surgery
-what if there are complications
-I feel vain
-I didn’t have cancer, I should just be grateful for this experience regardless of my results
-this isn’t ‘necessary’ and I’ve never had an ‘elective’ surgery before
-is this an act against self love? Should I just accept and love my body as it is?
-there are others who see my results as ‘good’ which makes me feel guilty that I’m not more grateful or content

I am still navigating my feelings and trying to figure out what is right for me and my body. I hope we all can be gentle on ourselves as we navigate difficult decisions and emotions. Life is confusing and complicated and most things are not black and white. I love you all and we are all doing the best that we can 💕

xo,

Paige