Two weeks ago I had one of those full on brca breakdowns.

I feel like you know exactly what I am talking about.

Complete fear washed over me and my anxiety was at an all time high. I normally have a pretty good hold on things - I’m very grateful to have tested early, had the choice to undergo a preventative double mastectomy and to be closely monitoring my risk of ovarian and other cancers with an amazing team.

But since I’m quarantined in California due to COVID, all of my monitoring and screenings have been canceled or postponed, it’s felt discomforting to feel like I’m just winging it.

That anxiety turned into me spiraling and freaking out about my age and having kids and having to remove my ovaries and freezing my eggs and how this wasn’t exactly how I pictured my life or where I thought I’d be at 28 years old.

You might be rolling your eyes and thinking I am being dramatic or that so many others have it way worse so who am I to be feeling like this, I get it, and yes I know that I didn’t even have cancer so who am I to be complaining?

Trust me, I’ve told myself all of these things too.

And normally I try to be positive and focus on my gratitude and all the good there is because I do realize how fortunate I am. I consider myself really really lucky to have tested positive for the BRCA 1 genetic mutation at 22 years old and to be able to take preventative measures.

But this time I decided not minimize my feelings.

I decided to validate and honor my feelings.

I called my friends - survivors, previvors and my carevivors - and leaned on them for love and support.

We laughed, we cried, we screamed, we danced it out.

We held space for each other.

I can’t even tell you how much it helped to feel seen and heard and to be given the space to just cry it out. It was also eye opening to see that even though we all have different stories and situations, we all felt similarly, even my friends who aren’t apart of this community worry about their age, having kids, where they are right now in their lives, etc.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that none of us should have to navigate this alone. It’s ok to not be ok. Its ok to have a hard time. It’s ok to lean on your friends. Just because others have it worse doesn’t mean you can’t feel your feelings or ask them to hold space for you, too.

Sending you all so much love. It’s not always easy but it is worth it knowing we have each other.